The Fine Line Between Want and Need
by Nottoca
Summary: Sitting in the office, trying to concentrate on work, Roy&Riza realize there's a fine line between want and need. RoyxRiza, Royai. Oneshot.
1. Chapter 1

i don't own FMA - i'm just sharing the weird stories that keep running thru my slightly obsessive mind. please excuse all spelling and grammar errors – those i actually do own.

* * *

I want you. I can't even look up from the papers on my desk because just looking at you makes me want you all the more. 

I close my eyes and concentrate on each breath I take, slowly calming myself, trying to disperse my physical desire. If you knew, you would say I should be concentrating on my paperwork instead thinking about you. I've spent most of my day trying not to look up at you because I don't think I could tear my eyes away and be satisfied with just that single glimpse. I want to stare at you, study every part of your body. Your hair should be loose, not pulled back so harshly and I want to see you when you bite your lip when you read a troubling report.

Of course I couldn't be content with just looking either.

Perhaps I could stand and stretch while looking out the window., Except you would tell me to get back to my paperwork and but if you speak, if I were to hear your voice, I would have the same problems as I would looking at you.

I don't even know if you feel the same for me – if I knew you didn't, if I could be sure you could never think of me that way perhaps I could make this obsession go away. Perhaps then I could make this all-consuming need for you to disappear.

I could try to send you away but I know you wouldn't leave. I could try to force you away, perhaps by saying such harsh and cruel things you would run from me, but I couldn't make myself hurt you that way. I never want you to cry because of me. The last time I saw those tears, it nearly killed me.

Even if you don't desire me as I do you or you don't care about me more than you would any an extendedclose family member, I couldn't live without your friendship and your support. I need to know you're there for me. Even iIf I can't have you the way I dream of, I still have to know you will support me. I'm weak and I can't do it alone. I need your strength now more than ever.

The scent of your perfume with the cool evening breeze from the open window drives me crazy, bringing out my longing for your scent when I go to sleep and when I awaken. I would freely give everything I have to feel your body next to mine, to stroke your hair, caress your bare silky skin, kiss your delicate lips, to feel your soft, hot body surrounding me and hear you cry out my name.

And _I know_ it's all a dream, a dream held just beyond my reach, a mere fantasy never meant to come true, yet it doesn't stop me from wanting it to be real. With all I've done and the lives I've taken, I know it's something I don't deserve and should never hope to achieve. But for just a minute, for just one second, I can close my eyes and allow myself to dream about you and me together. It's those few brief moments I live for.

* * *

Tucking a stray blond curl behind my ear, I can hear the frustration in your sigh from my seat across the room. I know how much you hate paperwork, but it still needs to get done. I struggle with myself to keep from looking up. When looking at you, the temptation becomes too great; every single reason I give myself to keep away disappears. I want to run my hands through your short black hair and for my fingers to be able to stroke those lines of frustration from your face. I want to take away all the rules and regulations that say that such a simple touch from me can never happen. 

I close my eyes and bite my lip trying to stop my mind from wandering, but it doesn't work. I'm your lieutenant and you're my commanding officer; if I want to continue to serve and protect you, there can never be anything more to our relationship than that of a superior and a subordinate.

If it were all gone, could we be together? The uniforms, the guns, the weapons and the alchemy, everything we've ever said and done, gone from our lives. Undo the horrible things from our past, bring back the lives of the people we've killed and cleanse their blood from our hands and our souls. I want for us to be free, but I can't change the past. Even thinking about it is merely a form of self-torture. Besides, would you even want me?

How _do_ you think of me? Am I your sister, your friend, your confidante, or could you _ever_ see me as more? Am I just your bodyguard with a gun or am I a woman you could possibly love? Or would that be asking too much? Have you ever thought of… us… together?

I've seen you with other women, those beautiful girls that make you laugh so you'll flash that delicious smirk of yours. Do you know how much it hurts me to see you with them? Do you even care? Knowing they can wake up next to you and I never can kills me a little with each and every girl I see you with. I know I'm not beautiful, or elegant or even feminine. I just fade into the background, I don't' flirt, I don't wear makeup and, I don't even use hairspray. What could ever make you take a second glance at me?

But I chose this path, I chose to follow you and I still believe in your goal. I chose to stand by you and I refuse to leave. I just wish you would let me lie with you as well. But you've never shown the slightest interest. I bite my lip a bit harder and swallow the lump in my throat, trying so very, very hard not to want what I know I can't have.

* * *

Nine o'clock. Riza clicked off the light on her desk and took her purse from her desk drawer. A mere second later, Roy turned off his own desk light and retrieved his coat from the coat rack by the door. Still not looking at the blonde woman, he tugged on his coat. Taking her jacket he helped her slip it on, and he allowed himself to enjoy her scent and the heat from her body. After straightening her collar, his hands came to rest on her shoulders and stayed there for just a second. Reluctantly, his hands slid down off her shoulders and down her arms. Taking a deep breath he just enjoyed her scent and just being that close to her. She turned to thank him and for a moment, they stood looking at each other, bodies separated by a foot of space and minds separated by a rule. Neither said a word, they just stared, studying everything about the other person and burning it into their minds. She with her long blonde hair held up with a clip, he with black hair barely tamed into submission. Arms and hands hunganging loosely at their sides, neither person moving. He noticed the fullness of her lips, and the appealing way she rolled her bottom lip between her teeth. Then their eyes caught, deep black holding rich mahogany pools, saying more than words ever had. 

He took a step closer, now less than 6 inches separated them. She could feel his heated breath mix with hers and the warmth radiating from his body. Yet they moved no closer, still just watching each other. His hand rose slightly but halted at waist level and lowered back to his side. His onyx eyes now only reflected sadness, with a touch of regret.

Taking a step back, he finally spoke, "Good night, lieutenant."

She retrieved her purse from her desk and walked through the door he held open for her. "Good night sir."

He flicked off the light and locked the door before taking a look at the lone figure walking away from him down the hall. Turning he walked the opposite direction.

All their questions had been answered just by looking in the other's eyes.

* * *

my new birth control medicine has made pms even more fun. instead of being angry at nothing, i'm now just touchy and very close to tears over anything. but if it helps with the cramps, i don't care. i'm not going to mark this as complete because a) it doesn't end happy (i gotta have a happy-ish ending), b) i don't feel like it and c) crying too hard (kinda kidding on that last one). so there will probably be another chapter but it will have to wait til pms is done. and this part isn't quite as polished as i would like it so i'll most likely be rewriting this in the next few days. 

comments? reviews? death threats? please don't make me cry again - of course, looking at me would make me cry too...


	2. Author's Note

A/N: i want to thank everyone for their reviews and suggestions on coping with PMS! hopefully the wierd PMS is just a temporary thing.

I was quite amused by the review left by Perennial Rhinitis mentioning how Roy's thoughts sounded a bit like the Book of Song of Songs from the bible. i'm quite amused by that thought; i've always considered my writing to be on the complete other end of the spectrum from anything doing with the Bible, even if it was a 'dirty' part. unless i was describing the actions that would get you sent to hell cause i think i do pretty good in that area. and there's a dirty part of the bible!? i think my church left that part out of sunday school (course i can't say that i was there every sunday, either). hmm… now i just have to find my copy - it should be somewhere around the Koran and the book of Mormon and that book on satanism… :)

oops, back to my point (i'm fairly sure i have one): i've had a bit of trouble with this piece. part of me likes it how it is as a one-shot but the other wants to continue this story. so, now that PMS is done and i'm rational (well rational as i can get anyway), i've made my decision. i'm going to mark this piece as complete but create another version that continues. this one-shot doesn't quite have the happy ending i prefer, but the last sentence gives it the slightest bit of positive resolution (at least in my mind).

so, if you want to see the other piece, the beginning part doesn't have that last line of 'resolution' allowing me to continue and, of course, there will be a lemon (cause i'm writing it). the continuing piece will be called 'Walking the Line Between Want and Need' and i'm gonna post the first two chapters right after submitting this authors note. it's definately going to be a WIP cause i really don't quite know where it's heading and I swear it'll be the only fic i'll post that won't be completed in a few weeks. (see my thoughts on this in my profile)

and sorry about complaining about PMS. i kinda wrote and posted this before i had thought enough about it.


End file.
